Saturday, 25 August 2012

heartbreak and message from spirit

when i was 20 i was married and had just had a miscarriage then 2 months later i found out i was pregnant again of course i was worried and the first 3 months were terrible but i soon settled down and began to look forward to the birth of my baby doing all the normal things getting the room ready and buying all the things we needed,when i was 30 weeks i was woken one night by a voice it said im sorry you wont be holding your baby i shot up in a panic and was shaking i closed my eyes and tried to see myself holding my baby and i couldn't i started crying my husband woke up and asked what was wrong i said i will never hold my baby i wont bring him home of course my hubby was shocked and told me not to be silly and that it was just my hormones and to put it out of my mind as much as i tried i couldn't and for the next few weeks i tried often to imagine holding my baby and i couldn't  i thought i had picked up a negative spirit and for some reason they were being cruel i couldn't understand the message , 4 weeks later i was woken with a searing pain i had never been in labour before and didn't know if it was normal from what i had read labour pain came in waves this was there all the time it got worse so my hubby called n ambulance and i was took to hospital i had a very old fashioned consultant who believed in natural labour and said i was to early to deliver even though i was 34 weeks and gave me something for the pain and to stop the labour even though i had very high blood pressure he admitted me  for five days i was on complete bed rest and they found out i had high blood pressure oedema and protein in my water all classic symptoms of toxaemia but still the doctor wouldn't budge , after being there five days and on a Friday afternoon on the 29th march i was took for a scan i saw my baby moving and his heartbeat when i came back fro the scan my friend had come to visit and as we were chatting the searing pain returned  the nurse put me on a monitor and confirmed i was in labour the pain was severe and she went and got me a shot for the pain i asked how long it would be and she said i was in early labour and it would be hours .my friend left saying she would contact my hubby and i told her to tell him not to rush as it would be hours that was the last thing i remembered my hubby filled in the gaps later he said he got to the hospital about 3 hours later and found me asleep he sat by my bed for about an hour when one of the other patients came over to him and said she was worried as i had not woken for so long no one had been to check and the only sound i had made was crying out in pain every now and then at this point my hubby tried to wake me and he couldn't so he ran to get a nurse he said at this point everything went manic the nurse came in and couldn't wake me the next thing there was people from everywhere running with my bed and he was trying to keep up he said they took me to a room and broke my waters then fitted a clip to my baby's head at this point i had started to come round and was screaming in agony the next thing they were running with me again hubby said they ran to the lift and he couldn't keep up he said there was anbout 5 doctors and one got left with him so they ran down the stairs the next thing i was in the scan room and as they tried to scan me i was screaming in agony my hubby said as he sat outside all he could hear was my screams then he said it went quiet an deathly silence, The doors opened and he said that they wheeled me out slowly by now i was hooked up to drips and oxygen and a portable heart machine he followed and noticed they were heading for intensive care once there and while they were attending to me my hubby headed for the doctor who was writing in my notes and asked what was wrong without looking up he said im sorry your baby has no heart beat this never sunk in with my hubby and he headed towards me as he came in i came round he looked at me and said jan the baby has no heart beat i looked at him and said you mean my baby has died my hubby said that was when it hit him he expected them to do something the next thing hubby was pushed out and they were putting something in my drip then it all went black, hubby said once outside he went for the doctor who had told him so he was bungled outside by 2 other doctors once they calmed him they told him he had to stay calm as i was not expected to make the night the reason they had bungled him out was that they didn't want me to know about the baby the shock the felt would kill me for sure so they had sedated me as soon as he said it i had internal bleeding and a blood pressure they couldn't get down if they tried to operate to deliver the baby i wouldn't survive the op but they didn't think i would survive the birth either . My hubby sat by my side all night i delivered a still born baby boy at 1.45 am on the 30th march 1987 i survived .the doctors didn't know how they were sure the shock would have killed me . After 12 months of utter pain and grief  hubby sat talking to me one night and said to me when i told you about alan's heart stopping you wasn't shocked and that's what saved you why wasn't you shocked and i told him i was warned all them weeks before i was being prepared  i had a little time to come to terms with it at first i thought it was a cruel message but i now realised they had to tell me to save me they had to prepare me at first i was devastated and wished they had let me die with him but years on im glad they never for now i have 3 more children and lovely grandchildren all that i would have missed but i did understand why they had to pay me a visit that night with that cruel message ,           FOR MY BABY BOY ALAN WHO MOMMY STILL MISSES EVERYDAY MY ANGEL SON XXXXXXXXXXX                                                                                                                    


Tina said...

Oh Jan hunnee , this must have been so very very difficult for you to write , you are an incredible lady as ive said on many occaisions . thank you for sharing this for others to see , it shows that your faith in your spirituality prepared you for this devastation ,to save your life to enable you to bring more life into the world , without the message you recieved you may not have been able to do this . much love , light and blessings my friend xxxx

debbi taylor said...

an amazing story and it shows your huge strength to share it with us...
huge hugs for you and your angel baby